Plus points. Very important factors when it comes to courting. You know, the distance men go just to date a girl, sometimes disgust me. Why bother doing so much? I will never understand this bullshit but hey, since I am the ever suggesting Praba, here we go on plus points.
The Flowers:
You go out to buy her flowers [+5 points]
But return with beer [-10 points]
And lipstick marks all over your face [-15 points]
The Protective Boyfriend:
You check out a suspicious noise at night [+5 points]
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing [0 points]
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something [+10 points]
You pummel it with a sledgehammer [+15 points]
It's her cat [-50 points]
Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party [+5 points]
You stay by her side awhile and then leave to chat with a drinking buddy [-5 points]
Named Siti [-10 points]
Who is a strip dancer [-15 points]
And has implants [-20 points]
And her G-string showing [-50 points]
Saturday Afternoons:
You visit her parents [+5 points]
You visit her parents and actually make conversation [+10 points]
You visit her parents and stare at the TV blankly [-10 points]
And the television is off [-15 points]
Her Birthday:
You take her out for dinner [+5 points]
You take her out for dinner and it's not a sports bar [+10 points]
You give her a gift [+15 points]
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance [-10 points]
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance [+15 points]
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months [+30 points]
You wait till the last day and then buy her a dress at the last minute [-10 points]
With her credit card [-30 points]
And whatever you buy is two sizes too big [-100 points]
Thoughtfulness:
You forget to pick her up from the bus stop [-10 points]
Which is in Tuas [-20 points]
And it happens to be raining that day [-30 points]
And her dress gets damaged because of all this [-50 points]
A Night Out With Your Friends:
You have a few beers [-5 points]
For every bear after 3am [-5 points for each glass]
And miss curfew by an hour [-10 points]
you get home at 5am [-20 points]
You get home at 5am smelling of beer and cigarettes [-30 points]
And not wearing pants [-50 points]
And is that her panties? [-200 points]
A Night Out. Just The Two Of You:
You see a comedian [+5 points]
He's crude and sexist [-10 points]
You laugh [-20 points]
You laugh too much [-30 points]
She's not laughing [-40 points]
You laugh harder [-50 points]
Driving:
You lose the direction on a trip [-5 points]
You lose the direction and end up getting lost [-10 points]
You end up getting lost in Yishun 925 [-15 points]
And you end up confronting the anjadis there [-20 points]
She finds out you lied about having a black belt [-50 points]
Communication:
When she talks, you listen displaying a concerned expression [+20 points]
When she talks, you listen for over 30 minutes [+25 points]
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV [+30 points]
All this is because you've fallen asleep [-50 points]
You know, the gender war between men and women will NEVER end. It's just how nature is. I will never get along with any girl. I just somehow get put off at some time. And so will they. It's just not me to click with a girl. And they too, on the other hand, will never understand me. And I don't need them to actually. Sometimes, things are better left unsaid and untouched. But I will answer basic questions. The ever honest me.
Q: Why are men such jerks? A: It's in the testosterone. Much similar to your PMS thingy. We men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter? [And it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure] Hormones modify behaviour. We're just misunderstood.
Q: Why do men always have to ogle at other women? A: Again, this is a testosterone thingy. Do you honestly think all that testosterone fell off from our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just better at not getting caught. It's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorise it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we tend to stare longer and as much as we can to try and burn this into our memory.
Q: Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public? A: We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public just doesn't give me the excuse to not adjust him. It's uncomfortable you know?
Q: Why do men always say such stupid things? A: We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see you women get frustrated by a few simple [and well chosen] words.
Q: Why are men so uncommunicative? A: So that you learn to shut that big fat mouth of yours too if you always get into trouble by opening it and saying the wrong stuff.
Q: Why do men have to act such retards? A: Actually we don't have to. We do it because we enjoy it.
Q: Why can't men just share their feelings? A: Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea on how we feel? Unless you're talking about a brick landing on my head from the 30th storey, I have no idea how I feel.
Q: Why can't men just say "I love you"? A: Men are taught from tender young age to be self sufficient. To say that we love you is equivilent to saying that we need you. Most men consider this a character fault. It's not easy to admit one's character fault, is it?
Q: Why do men say "I love you" when they barely a women? A: Haha! Aren't you supposed to be special? Some men consider this a special way of saying that you're special. And some think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. [And quite surprisingly, it still works. Ho ho ho]
Q: Why doesn't a man sometimes answer a women?
A: We simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your stupid questions. If we think we do not have the answer or that you will not like the answer, we will keep quiet and preserve the energy for other things.
Q: Why do men just fart out loud and not maintain it on the low?
A: Actually, I was doing up a post on farts. I will release it on a later date but the reason why we fart is to show that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's a sign of affection. [Besides, holding it back for hours causes stomach cramps]
Q: Why do men hate shopping?
A: This, I need to badly answer. It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it and bring it back. Who the hell wants to spend hours to look at things we don't intend to buy? Besides, what the fuck are your female friends for?
I said it, she did it. If you read the earlier post about "What I want in a man", here's the answer to my question. Credits to Gayathri. Here's her 5 cents worth. Adios.
What I want in a woman. [Original list at the age of 22]
1. Hot 2. Huge Knockers
3. Ass That Won't Quit 4. Doesn't Talk Too Much 5. Receptive To New Sexual Experiments.
6. Wears Low Cut Tops And Bends Down Often 7. Is Receptive To The Idea Of A 3-Some 8. Cooks Well 9. Cleans The Shit
What I want in a woman. [Revised list at the age of 32]
1. Hot 2. Huge Knockers
3. Ass That Won't Quit 4. Doesn't Talk Too Much 5. Receptive To New Sexual Experiments.
6. Wears Low Cut Tops And Bends Down Often 7. Is Receptive To The Idea Of A 3-Some 8. Cooks Well 9. Cleans The Shit
What I want in a woman. [Revised list at the age of 42]
1. Hot 2. Huge Knockers
3. Ass That Won't Quit 4. Doesn't Talk Too Much 5. Receptive To New Sexual Experiments.
6. Wears Low Cut Tops And Bends Down Often 7. Is Receptive To The Idea Of A 3-Some 8. Cooks Well 9. Cleans The Shit
What I want in a woman. [Revised list at the age of 52]
1. Hot 2. Huge Knockers
3. Ass That Won't Quit 4. Doesn't Talk Too Much 5. Receptive To New Sexual Experiments.
6. Wears Low Cut Tops And Bends Down Often 7. Is Receptive To The Idea Of A 3-Some 8. Cooks Well 9. Cleans The Shit
What I want in a woman. [Revised list at the age of 62]
1. Hot 2. Huge Knockers
3. Ass That Won't Quit 4. Doesn't Talk Too Much 5. Receptive To New Sexual Experiments.
6. Wears Low Cut Tops And Bends Down Often 7. Is Receptive To The Idea Of A 3-Some 8. Cooks Well 9. Cleans The Shit
What I want in a woman. [Revised list at the age of 72]
1. Hot 2. Huge Knockers
3. Ass That Won't Quit 4. Doesn't Talk Too Much 5. Receptive To New Sexual Experiments.
6. Wears Low Cut Tops And Bends Down Often 7. Is Receptive To The Idea Of A 3-Some 8. Cooks Well 9. Cleans The Shit
This is for the benefit of those in my MSN who like to clarify doubts. This will be episode 1 of many to come. Name will not be mention since the affected party is a minor. *coughs*
Friend: Hey praba, Why do guys ask if a girl is single? Me: They're just wondering if they can get into your pants. Friend: [Laughs] Okie. I told this guy I'm attached and he asked me for how long. And since you have answers to everything, why did he ask that? Me: Simple. He's just wondering if you got bored of your boyfriend and would allow him to get into your pants. Friend: [Laughs] Ok, I told him I just got attached. Think I spoiled his happiness. Now he's asking bout my family. Me: Don't be too happy. He's just wondering if you have a sister whose pants he can get into. Friend: [Laughs] Ok ok. I get the message. Thanks for educating the poor me. Me: All in the game. No mention.
Ever been in a car when a women was driving? Bad decision. Never make the same mistake twice, you hear me?
Anyhow, I have with me this piece of video that I uploaded in youtube some time ago. It's about time I cut the ribbon.
The Intro: Dawn is my friend. We were schoolmates back in the Singapore Polytechnic. We USED TO BE friends but now that she has got her Class 3 Driving Licence, she has turned out to be our number one enemy. [Am kidding] It's often a habit to entrust dawn with our treasured lives when she's driving us anywhere. She once NEARLY ENDED OUR LIVES with her 'Jean Claude Van Damme' U-turn where she went head on with traffic. Steady la this 'Char Bor'. [Women in hokkien] And if you ever see a women driving behind following you around, don't freak out. Maybe she's jut looking for a car park. Like dawn does, here:
Today, I wanted to prove myself one point. So the question I asked is if women preferred chocolates or diamonds. And of course, I approached the ladies in my MSN to ask them what they preferred. Answers went like this:
Sarah
Me: Don't ask, just answer. Between chocolates and diamonds, which will u choose? She: Think I'd choose chocs. She: Cause I don't wear necklaces. She: Or rings She: Or bracelets Me: Steady la you.
Friend 2
Me: Don't ask, just answer. Between chocolates and diamonds, which will u choose? She: Diamonds Me: Why diamonds? She: Diamonds cause I love em'. Got many colours. Chocolates only got black, brown and white. Me: M&M comes in all colours what. She: That's a candy, not a chocolate. Well, when you say chocolate, I think bar chocolates. Pure chocolates. Not chocolate candies. Me: *Thinking* Fair enough.
Hema
Me: Which do u prefer? Diamonds or chocolates? She: *laughs* Only 1 choice can be made? Chocolates. To me, no diamond can give me the happiness and excitement when I indulge in chocolates. Chocolates no matter what color, whether bitter or sweet, are sometimes women's best friends compared to diamonds. Eat a diamond, die. Eat a choc, LIVE! [Philosophy] Me: Ok.
With that, I ended the conversation with them. But none wondered nor realised why I posed such a question for. The idea is to prove one point. Ask a women a word and she'll give you a sentence. In this case, ask a question and she'll give you a paragraph of answers with one who took it an extra mile with philosophy. Adios.
Some men just don't get it. Below, with some mild editing done by me, is a letter written by a husband to his wife and then a reply from his wife to him. See how the interpretation goes wrong. And the letter, goes like this:
To my dear wife: During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have only succeeded 36 times which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be asleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
[Now is the reply from his wife to him.]
To my dear husband: I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball etc.on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breath.
1. When asked "Is something wrong?", reply 'no' then get pissed off when you are believed.
2. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties. Start dating him and then immediately expect him to stop this behavior..
3. Always take an hour longer than promised to meet up.
4. Camouflage 'very important' events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines. [For example: You say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you're not busy this weekend." when you actually mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!"]
5. WHINE.
6. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement. [When I sleep, it means I am lazy]
7. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.
8. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
9. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
10. COMPLAIN.
11. Hate any bar he likes.
12. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. [Except when paying for meals, movies, concerts, beers, clothes etc.]
13. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress in your life.
14. Remember that ANY woman who so stares as much at your boyfriend must be labeled a SLUT and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible.
15. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
16. Break into tears for no apparent reason.
17. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.
18. Merge yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends. Break up with him then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next few months just to rub it in.
Note: Gentlemen, take out a piece of paper and jot down the following points. Comes in handy when meeting a girl.
Yesterday, I went to meetEsh for dinner. And I asked her what time she wanted to meet up. The answer was 'sevenish'. Both she and I left the conversation shortly and that's when I started pondering over what sevenish meant. That's when a friend came to the rescue.
Friend: So what time you gonna go? Me: She said sevenish. But the thing about women that I don't like is when they say "I'll meet you at Tekka around sevenish." That's scary. How the hell would I know if the 'ish' is 7.10, 7.30 or 7.45? Friend: *Laughs* Should be 7.10pm. Most to most, 10 minutes. If they say 7 plus, then it's a lil' longer than that. [Read: 7.30pm] If they say 7-8, then they will be somewhat an hour late. Me: *In awe*
Don't ask me why but I just love irritating and testing the patience of people. I did it again, in style, like this:
Friend: Bro, wat you did for valentine's day? Me: Nothing la. Just stayed at home and slacked. What you did? Friend: Went out with my girlfriend. Bought her roses and chocolates. She was very touched. How come you didn't go out with your girlfriend. Me: Oh, that's nice of you.Like that la. She was busy and I was busy so we didn't go out. Friend: You sure everything's all right bro? Me: Don't worry about it. Will be ok. I is strong. Friend: Err, okie. If you need someone to talk to, you can always call me up bro. Me: Thanks alot man. I appreciate it. But I'd appreciate it more if I could talk to your sister. Friend: WHAT?!?!?!?! Me: Sorry sorry, typo.
Having finished irritating him, another friend of mine decided to let me know of his ROM which he was so excited for. [He must be crazy] Till I shared a thing or two or three or four [Argh, you get the message] about women.
Friend: Dei mike, wat doings? Me: Nuttin la. What you doing? Friend: Working da. Just wanted to tell you that my ROM will be in a few months time. Me: When is it roughly? Friend: December. Me: Dude, that's fucking long. Friend: I know da. I want it to come soon da. Me: [The lessons start here] Mike, are you crazy? Why the hell would you want your death to come by early? Friend: What you talking da? Me: Lim peh kah li kong. You know that god's a real unfair man? Friend: Why? Me: He creates such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into wives. Friend: *Laughs* Me: Yours love marriage right? Friend: Ya da. Only oorukaarans will go for arranged marriages da. Arranged marriages all won't work out da. Me: Bullshit la bro. Telling me that love marriage is better than arranged marriage is like telling me that attempted suicide is better than murder. Both also you die mah. Friend: *laughs* Me: And don't be too happy about the ROM la bro. Alot of my friends now tell me to marry late. Be happy you still have till december to party. Friend: That bad ah mike? Actually I heard also la. But my girlfriend very understanding da. Me: Trust me la bro, it's worse than you think. Understanding? You'll be standing under your block soon. Friend: *Laughs* You know alot about women da. No wonder so many photos with women. Me: Cut that out. Listen bro, postpone your ROM as much as you can. Pay some priest to come and testify that your child will be impotent if you married before the age of 30. Friend: Cannot da. I informing everyone already da. My wife also told her friend all da. If we postpone means she will cry da. Me: God bless you bro. Let me ask you just one thing. Just be honest aitz? Friend: Ask da. Me: You love your girlfriend more than anything in the world and you will listen to anything she says? Friend: [This part, he unleashes the devadas in him] She is my life da of course I will do anything for her. Me: Listen bro, a word of advice from Dr. Aan-ba-lai-singam: When a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it's love. After marriage, it's self-defense. You take care la bro. I need to rush to Shivan temple now. Ciaoz.
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I’m tired of just being friends. 9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It’s easier for me to douche that way. 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7. Hey, get a whiff of that one. 6. Please don’t throw that old t-shirt away. The holes in the armpits are just too cute. 5. This diamond is way too big. 4. I don’t even wanna put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. 3. Wow, it really is 7 inches! 2. Does this make my butt look too small? 1. I’m wrong. You must be right again.
Just in case you're newly attached and just got started on this whole women's' saga, I present to you words from the Confucius. [Not really the Confucius, but yea, who cares?]
Word: Fine According to my Confucius: This is the word women use to end a conversation when they are right and you need to shut up.
Word: Five minutes [This idea must have came about thanks to my mum] According to my Confucius: It's half an hour if she's getting dressed. An hour if she's bathing or sometimes 2 hours when she's on the way.
Word: Nothing According to my Confucius: This means "Something" and usually ends with the word fine. [See above for meaning]
Word: Go ahead According to my Confucius: This means "Don't!"It's basically a dare. Not permission.
Word/Sound: Loud Sigh According to my Confucius: This is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means that she thinks you're an idiot and she's wondering why she's wasting her time with you arguing over nothing.
Word: That's OK. According to my Confucius: This is one of the most dangerous statements women make. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistakes.
Words: Thanks According to my Confucius: A women is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say "You're welcome"
Word: Whatever According to my Confucius: It's a women's way of saying &%#%# YOU![Now, TRUST ME! You wouldn't wanna hear the word]
There are some things in life that just don't click. Just like most men see it pointless to listen to a women talk about make-ups and shopping, most women too don't want to hear anything to do with balls. (Ball here referring to a soccer ball before you get a lil' excited) It's funny how a friend, who plays netball by the way, thinks 22 men running after one ball is so ridiculous. In netball, a group of women run after one ball too. What's the bloody difference?? Some people just can't see concepts.
Today, for one reason or another, I suddenly got reminded of those days I'd follow my friends shopping. To be buzzing around walking aimlessly is not in the 'favourites list' of a man. I sometimes wonder if women actually developed their sense of patience through shopping. It takes an extensive load of patience I'd tell you. Seriously no laughing matter.
It's also no laughing matter when you follow a woman shopping. Not when she ain't mute and most of the shopping you accompany her is done verbally rather than the eye. I was sitting down today when memories of me wearing out my soles at Junction 8 haunted me. There's no way in hell that anything is gonna make me walk around like a mad man. Even if I have to get something badly, the 3 vulgar steps that I follow strictly when shopping is:
1) Chee (See) 2) Bai (Buy) 3) Fuck Off
But when shopping is done with a women who fights or tries to bring politics into the picture at every instance she gets, it starts to get pretty tough. The sad thing here is, we can never be too sure who falls under which category. A horrendous sight is when someone who looks as timid as a mouse starts to bargain like a cheetah. The haunting memory, dated a couple of years back and as detailed as I can recall, as goes:
Met a friend at Bishan McDonald's. It's quite demoralising when this cursed heart of mine starts to feel for people who actually don't have someone to talk to. Especially if they're damn nice and they are often treated unfairly by majority. Don't blame me, I like to play the 'big brother' role. But when the word 'slacking' is camouflaged, and is actually a bear-trap called shopping all concealed in the blessed name of friendship, there's no way I could have seen the dissimulation.
After enough breakfast to keep me filled for the next two weeks, the 'pain in the ass' of a friend decides to walk around so as to digest food cum look for a handphone casing. It's such a rip off when you don't get the hidden message that reads "This is your unlucky day" when they innocently say "Let's walk around"
I walked all around Junction 8 just to look for a flower printed handphone casing. Upon repeated failures to asset a suitable design, and the word suitable is a highly subjective word here depending on the women, we finally discovered one that was pretty decent. That was the start. A five minute debate was done on how much cheaper she got have got the handphone casing for elsewhere. Another five for how much she can get it discounted at. And finally another five minutes on if she can purchase other items but get it discounted just because she already purchased one earlier from the same damn cursed shop. When one women talks, it's a lecture. When two of them communicate, it's a debate. But with the manager eventually adding herself into the discussion, thus making it three women, it's definitely a war. After much discussion and team talks, and while you're at the side planning to throw a twenty dollar bet that the handphone casing wouldn't be purchased in the end anyway, the champion of a friend leaves the shop empty handed while the salesgirl was mumbling something which translated into my ears as "Chow Chee Bai!" End of story.
Wondering why I had to share this story? See, I don't blog unless I have to message to send across to my friends. You think I'd rather sit here and type when I could actually be at a porn site surfing porn? You bet not. The moral of the story is this:
Never wake a man up in the early morning asking him if he wants to follow you shopping. What the hell are your girlfriends for? What the fuck are they doing? Frying hash browns? Pick up the phone and call them. Tell them you have a digicam so that you all can go out cam-whore, have a "Hey! You got hear anot? Anita kenna fuck by 45 elephants" gossip session, eat till your stomach bloats and later come ask us again if you look fat while getting something which you really don't need but want to since you have a cupboard with an extra space on top of all that rubbish that you already bought in 1800B.C but have never touched till now and most importantly, since your dad passed you extra cash anyway.
Just leave me alone. Really. I is need my beauty sleep. There are 3 things in live that is important for all men. (Ok, maybe just me)
1. Food. Never challenge me when I am hungry. Am very serious when I say this.
2. Sleep. Whether or not I have been sleeping for an ample 8 hours, doesn't matter. That gives you no right to wake me up. The 9th hour is just as important as the previous 8 hours.
3. See, I prefer more of the make-OUT topics rather than the make-UP topics. So yes, as you'd have guessed. The third important is of course sex. Call me whatever you want. It's just in the nature of men. Dun blame us. "Ellam Avan Seyal"
Enough said. I is ending here for now. And oh yea, remember the disclaimer at the beginning of this post telling you not to read if you're a women? This brings me to another point. Look at the title of my post for the answer. Adios.
Hard Disk Girls: She remembers everything, forever.
Ram Girls: She forgets about you the moment you turn her off.
Window Girls: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
Screen Saver Girls: She is good for nothing but at least she is fun.
Internet Girls: Difficult to access.
Server Girls: Always busy when you need her.
Multimedia Girls: She makes horrible things look beautiful.
CD-ROM GIRLS: She is always faster and faster.
E-mail Girls: Every ten thing she says, eight are nonsense.
Virus Girls: Also known as 'wife'. When you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you uninstall her, you will lose something. If you don't uninstall her, you will lose everything.
Found off a website and on Ah Neh's blog. Rules for Women. (Please note: These are all numbered "1" on purpose!)
1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1) Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1) Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1) Crying is blackmail. (So is withholding sex)
1) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1) You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1) Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1) ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1) If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1) If we ask what is wrong and you say "Nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1) Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as soccer, yesterday's sex, or cars.
1) You have enough clothes.
1) You have too many shoes.
1) I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1) Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
And from hereafter, female MSN contacts beware. Ask anything that is mentioned above= Block + Delete. Adios.
CCB. I decided not to close this blog liao. Where in the world do you come up with all those excellent rumours? Even I myself cannot think of such. And no, I was contemplating closing this blog not cause of family or personal reasons. I is plain lazy. Whatever the shit you heard or spreading, ain't true. Like I always say in style:
Fuck what you heard. It's what you're hearing.
Coming to the post, I've gotta admit that it takes solid amount of patience to actually be reading someone's blog. I swear I am not the type of guy who sits down in one place to read up on someone else's bullshit. Especially if they're only gonna be talking about how golden their balls are. But today, it was different. Praba actually sat down to actually read someone else's bullshit. And I'd say that all that patience paid dividends. I will not provide you the URL of that particular blog. (Coz I know the indians that you are) So instead, I will copy it down just so that you have a good read. And the solid story, with some editing I did, goes like this:
[One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear. "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought she was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy for you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. But at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.]
Ahh. I is loving it. I is really loving it. Now cheers to all men who were dumbfounded when the ladies said such stuff to us. Adios.
Dilly Padi @
Why, thank you.
9:13 PM
