Monday, May 19, 2008
If you think O bar rocks your boat, then it's time you join me for the pledge.We, the citizens of O bar,
Pledge ourselves as one intoxicated people.
Regardless of race, language or religion,
To build an alcohol loving society.
Based on prices and beer quality.
So as to achieve happiness,
Prosperity and progress
FOR OUR BELLIES!
There we have it. The new O bar pledge. Sheena's gonna be so proud of me now. [My friend since I was a innocent good boy. The girl who sometimes stamps the bar stamp on your wrists.]
"Dear Sir/Madam,
I would like to commend Starhub on their fascinating features of my Nokia 1100. In all these years as a mobile phone user, no other phone has given me the opportunity to take so much time from my busy schedule in order to pay your service center a visit. So much so that I've been more than acquainted with your staff and can even recognize them by face!
It's just recently that I realized my Nokia 1100 has been installed with high technology, way ahead of it's time, intelligence system. Firstly, the 'power saving, auto-off system' that Nokia has incorporated into my phone. Since the introduction of your power saving auto-off system, I have been able to count with my fingers the amount of times I actually charged the phone. My phone is barely switched on for 30 minutes and this has helped me save a lot of time, electricity and money charging my handphone. It's been some time since I looked at my handphone screen and this has helped me look at more faces in the bus rather than the dull blue screen. I totally understand now when you say "Connecting People."
Secondly, I like the 'auto-delete, why bother?' function that Nokia has added to the phone. That way, I no longer need to search for numbers and will make an attempt to memorize the numbers instead. I wouldn't even need to worry about numbers I barely dial.
Thirdly, the 'now you see it, now you don't' function incorporated into my microchips, totally kicks ass. It has provided me all the more excuses I need to not return a call or message by not showing me my recent call lists and messages. It has even restricted my incoming/outgoing calls. That way, I save on my handphone bill cause if I don't send out any outgoing information, then I am not liable for any charges. No wonder my bill stays the standard subscription amount and my messages have been on the roll over to accumulate a whooping grand total of 8,000 free messages.
Today marked the occasion of my 3rd visit to your service center in the 2nd week that I've owned the phone. That will be shortly followed by a 4th when I collect the phone. I am really looking forward to sitting in your waiting area again watching the "Mr Bean" comedies that you play on TV for our viewing pleasure. Thank you for taking time in reading my email which I am sure will be checked and placed in the 'spam' folder shortly. I will of course blog and tell all my friends about the new wonderful features of the Nokia 1100. I am still wondering if Sony Ericsson phones have such high technological advances. I guess the only way, is to find out for myself. And that's exactly what I will do. AS A M1 SUBSCRIBER.
Yours faithfully,
Praba"
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he has the biggest piece.
Tears: [Women listen] The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise but nobody reads.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit down to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally fell into a river.
Optimist: A person who, while falling from Raffles hotel, says "See, I'm not dead yet!"
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest. Except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you're late and late when you're early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills and kills you with his bills.
Labels: Dictionary, Oxford
While I was still undergoing my Class 3, there was this particular guy called Tan Kok Sai. When anything at all goes wrong, you're sure bound to hear his name yelled from miles by the supervisor. I felt for him in the beginning but, just like his name suggests, he's a cock. Communication was never existent when it involved us. As a matter of fact, everyone had a hard time communicating with him. Though he speaks excellent Hokkien, he spoke barely enough English. It didn't matter to me AT FIRST. Till he was appointed my vehicle commander one day. Driving with someone who speaks barely enough English and doesn't understand the message you're putting across is like playing soccer with the visually impaired. You can tell them exactly where you are but they're not gonna know where in the pitch they stand in the first place. But dear old, balding, Tan Kok Sai, took understanding to a whole new level. He, seriously, should be slapped till his hair grows back. Now this, is what happened.
While on driving course, everyone is issued with a file that needs to be signed before and after every lesson. I am very particular about my stuff and everyone knows never to touch my file. But it so happened that, on that particular day Tan Kok Sai happened to be my vehicle commander, tragedy had to strike. It's a habit of mine to take a smoke break before any driving lesson. Nothings beats an ignited cigarette before a drive. I placed my file on the desk and walked over to my usual smoking corner. Having finished my cigarette, I walked back to the desk to collect my file and walk over to the vehicle where dear old, 'cock of a sai', Tan Kok Sai was seated at. More often than not, no one lays their hands on my stuff but when I returned that faithful day, my file was nowhere to be found. Not a single place I didn't cast my eyes upon. But after numerous failed attempts and patience slowly wearing off, I walked over to the vehicle where dear old, ageing and grumpy, Tan Kok Sai was seated at. A grumpy face to add to his remarkable name. I wanted to explain to him about my missing file. And soon after I explained to him what had happened, I realised Tan Kok Sai will always stay true to his middle name. Do let me know if the fault lied in me. I will take more relaxants for myself. And this, is why his mum added, knowingly or unknowingly, a 'cock' to his middle name.
Me: Sir, I lost my file leh. I placed it at the desk but I couldn't find the file when I came back after a smoke.
Him: *Furious* Your buddy already passed me the file what!
Me: *Relieved* Oh! But he didn't inform me he's gonna pass you the file leh!
Him: *Still furious* But your buddy already passed me the file what!
Me: *Confused on why he got so angry for something I didn't know about* But sir, he DIDN'T tell me he's gonna pass the file to you for me and he DIDN'T tell me he took the file from the desk.
Him: *Seriously pissed and screaming* BUT YOUR BUDDY PASSED ME THE FILE WHAT!
Me: *Frustrated* SIR, HE DIDN'T FUCKING TELL ME HE FUCKING TOOK MY FUCKING FILE FOR ME! SO HOW THE FUCK WILL I FUCKING KNOW THE FUCKING FILE IS WITH YOU?
Him: *More furious than before and still screaming* BUT YOUR BUDDY PASSED ME THE FILE WHAT! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR BUDDY TOOK YOUR FILE FOR YOU AH?
Me: *I seriously don't know how to explain how I felt. So just insert what you think is applicable here* SIR, MY BUDDY DIDN'T TELL ME HE TOOK THE FILE FOR ME.
Him: Screaming furiously at me* BUT YOUR BUDDY TOOK THE FILE FOR YOU WHAT! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR BUDDY TOOK YOUR FILE FOR YOU AH?
Me: *Do what you did above and screaming at the top of my voice while banging my head on the steering wheel* OH MY GODDDDDDDDD!
Him: *Looking concerned* You don't understand what I saying ah?
Me: *Open door. Jump out. Slam door shut. Walk away.*
Now tell me, what am I gonna do with someone like him? I hated it when he asked me "You don't understand what I saying ah?" The classic Tan Kok Sai. Adios.
Labels: Driving, Driving License, SDC
Sunday, May 18, 2008
There's a guy. He's just plain irritating beyond words. He just tries too hard to please people. Try as he may, he can never prevail. He's sent to earth to piss the bliss outta you. And the greatest of insults hits you when he calls you stupid. And yea, he called me stupid. First ever to hit me with that remark. It's not only me who hates him. He's the definition of an irritant and everyone's awaiting on the opportunity to pounce on his mistakes to fuck him up. And he did something he terribly shouldn't have. Apart from calling me stupid, he actually copied the line I always use in my camp."I like the way you think."
I should have landed him a punch but sometimes, it's best not to react to inert substances. I am very particular about people imitating me. No one uses my lines. No one tries mimic Praba. Try, at your own risk. Meanwhile, this was the conversation that took place in my office during our free time after lunch. The one where my Captain had his hands together to produce the sound of approval. As usual, that irritating friend in my camp, asks me his 'intellectual' question, a daily routine for that sulking son of a bitch.
Him: Praba, I ask you an intellectual question.
Me: What the fuck is it this time bitch?
Him: Ok, you see right, 3 three birds are sitting in a tree. Then a hunter shoot down one. How many are you left with?
Me: 2 la cheebai.
Him: Wrong. I let you think again.
Me: *Knowing him and his dumb questions* Ok, 1?
Him: No! Wrong answer. You wanna know why not?
Me: Why?
Him: Actually technically right, you are right la. But logically, it's zero cause if you shoot one bird, the rest all will fly away what. Stupid la, I thought you so smart. Simple one also don't know.
*The whole office laughs*
Captain: For once you made a lame joke that had a little bit of substance in it.
Him: *Looking at me and knowing he received a compliment from the captain* It's ok la. This one is a tricky one. I didn't expect you to get it right. Must think out of the box la. This question, I got it right the first time people asked me. BUT, I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK.
Me: *Pissed* One more fucking time you use my words, I will walk over and whip your ass. Try me.
Him: Relax la. This kinda thing also want to get so angry for what?
Me: Nevermind. You know, I don't have the habit of keeping. I give. Why not I ask you something?
Him: *With all those who laughed in the office looking at me* Ask la.
Me: There are 3 women. One biting an Ice cream, one licking an Ice cream and one sucking an Ice cream. Which one of them are married?
Him: The one sucking?
Me: Nope. I let you think again.
Him: The one licking?
Me: Nope! Wrong answer. You wanna know who?
Him: Who?
Me: Technically, you are right. The one sucking on the Ice cream. But logically, it's the one with the wedding ring on her finger. I thought you were so smart cause you fooled me but whatever the fuck happened to thinking out of the box? But you know what? I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK.
I should have landed him a punch but sometimes, it's best not to react to inert substances. I am very particular about people imitating me. No one uses my lines. No one tries mimic Praba. Try, at your own risk. Meanwhile, this was the conversation that took place in my office during our free time after lunch. The one where my Captain had his hands together to produce the sound of approval. As usual, that irritating friend in my camp, asks me his 'intellectual' question, a daily routine for that sulking son of a bitch.
Him: Praba, I ask you an intellectual question.
Me: What the fuck is it this time bitch?
Him: Ok, you see right, 3 three birds are sitting in a tree. Then a hunter shoot down one. How many are you left with?
Me: 2 la cheebai.
Him: Wrong. I let you think again.
Me: *Knowing him and his dumb questions* Ok, 1?
Him: No! Wrong answer. You wanna know why not?
Me: Why?
Him: Actually technically right, you are right la. But logically, it's zero cause if you shoot one bird, the rest all will fly away what. Stupid la, I thought you so smart. Simple one also don't know.
*The whole office laughs*
Captain: For once you made a lame joke that had a little bit of substance in it.
Him: *Looking at me and knowing he received a compliment from the captain* It's ok la. This one is a tricky one. I didn't expect you to get it right. Must think out of the box la. This question, I got it right the first time people asked me. BUT, I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK.
Me: *Pissed* One more fucking time you use my words, I will walk over and whip your ass. Try me.
Him: Relax la. This kinda thing also want to get so angry for what?
Me: Nevermind. You know, I don't have the habit of keeping. I give. Why not I ask you something?
Him: *With all those who laughed in the office looking at me* Ask la.
Me: There are 3 women. One biting an Ice cream, one licking an Ice cream and one sucking an Ice cream. Which one of them are married?
Him: The one sucking?
Me: Nope. I let you think again.
Him: The one licking?
Me: Nope! Wrong answer. You wanna know who?
Him: Who?
Me: Technically, you are right. The one sucking on the Ice cream. But logically, it's the one with the wedding ring on her finger. I thought you were so smart cause you fooled me but whatever the fuck happened to thinking out of the box? But you know what? I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK.
Labels: NS
AUDI- Another Ugly Deutsche Invention.
BMW- Brings Me Women but Breaks My Wallet.
FIAT- Failed Italian Automotive Technology.
FORD- Fast Only Rolling Backwards.
HYUNDAI- Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive.
SAAB- Shape Appears Ass Backwards.
SUBARU- Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually.
VOLVO- Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.
PORSCHE- Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything.
The thing about solving problems, is that we get lame feedback at times. As a Recce, vehicles are part of our daily NS lives and vehicle maintenance is just another routine. This is the form I submitted back to my captain after I explained the solutions I suggested to get the problems fixed. See, when fatigue kicks in, it's the concept of "If you can't convince them, confuse them" that prevails.
Problem: Front left tyre almost needs replacement.
Action taken: Almost replaced front left tyre.
Problem: Something's loose in the bonnet.
Action taken: Something tightened in the bonnet.
Problem: Dead flies on the drivers' windscreen.
Action taken: Placed live flies on the vehicle commanders' windscreen.
Problem: Evidence of leaking engine oil under the car.
Action taken: Evidence removed.
Problem: SWT volume unbelievably high.
Action taken:SWT volume set to a more believable level.
Problem: Friction locks cause gear stick to stick.
Action taken: That's what the friction lock is there for.
Problem: SWT inoperative.
Action taken: SWT always inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Suspected crack in windshield.
Action taken: Suspect that you're right.
Problem: Engine makes funny sound.
Action taken: Engine has been warned to straighten up and be serious.
Problem: GPS Radar hums.
Action taken: Reprogrammed GPS Radar with lyrics.
Problem: Mouse in bonnet.
Action taken: Cat installed.
Problem: Fuel injection doesn't seem to be working.
Solution or action taken: Tablets prescribed.
Problem: Gear lever too hard.
Solution or action taken: Removed gear lever.
See, sometimes it's better off not to disturb me. Adios.
Labels: NS
Thursday, May 08, 2008
This, is how you pose a question, Praba's style:Friend: Hey praba, I messaged *** **** for a blazer and all he says is ok but never returns.
Me: What did you tell him?
Friend: *Copies and pastes* Hey, can you return my jacket? You were supposed to return it to me last week. Where is it?
Me: That's not the way educated adults solve the matter.
Friend: *Blur* Why?
Me: Sometimes, you gotta intensify the matter to make it work. Add in a few magical words to make it happen. That is to say, throw in a few 'fucks' to make the matter look more serious than it already is. Works best when you want something back.
Friend: *Laughs* Magical words? How?
Me: Ah. That's a good question. I'll modify your sentence without changing the words and meaning. See if it sounds more intensi-fucking-fied.
Friend: *Laughs* Okay.
Me: Ok, this is how you pose the question: "Hey fucker, can you fucking return my fucking jacket? You were fucking supposed to return it to me last fucking week. Where the fuck is it?"
Friend: *Laughs* Ok, and what if he still doesn't return.
Me: Add a new magical word and say it "I'll motherfucking bash the motherfucking soul outta you motherfucking asshole!"
Friend: Woah! You sure spew a lot of vulgarities.
Me: As long as it gets the job done.
Friend: That's FUCKING true.
Me: THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
Labels: Advices
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
I've lost my handphone. Again. And I'm fucking pissed to the core. Again. And I am uncontactable. Again. Take note. And once again..... Neh'mine.I know there's this sweet angel out there who asked her aunt, who holds a high rank by the way, to drop by my camp to help me reduce the punishment from a charge to 7 extra duties. I know. I spoke to your aunt. She saved my fucking life! I do not know how to contact her but if you're reading this, PLEASE let her know that I, for once, mean every single blood and sweat when I say, THANK YOU. I asked her who you were. She didn't let the cat out of the bag. What I do know is, you read about this here. I seriously think I owe you one. Big time. If it's you, please, please let me know. I'm very grateful indeed. My MSN add is on the right. I seriously will be very honored if you could add me please. Hoping to hear from ya! Adios.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
It quite disheartening when Sundays come around. Cause you know for sure you have to be in camp later in the night. But when I book in tomorrow, my fate will be decided. Good news for all haters and bad news for all lovers: Praba's been charged. No joke. 7 days in DB. And just in case you're innocent enough, DB is military jail. So do not expect me to be around from the 10th to the 16th. And I won't be around for my birthday too. No need to bother wishing and stuff. It'll not reach me. And if it's in your mind as to why I got charged, don't worry too much about it. It's my way of saying Praba's always Praba. Be it NS or not. If I have to hammer you, regardless of how big your rank is, I'll not think twice. Nothing's gonna stop me. No one stands in my fucking way. If you want to, try BEAT ME off the way.Meanwhile, my mum's been admitted in SGH. That's been like my second home the past few days. Been runnin' around like a bee up a tree past few days. And the reason why you don't see me online at certain times of the day. If you do know the sweet soul my mum is, pray for her. Anything I hear against what I wanted to hear after the results are out, will make me go insane.
On the other hand, the dad whom I used to look up to, has decided to call it quits on my family and find another. [Of course my parents are separated but this time, he decides to heck every single thing including us] Probably the worst time of my life. Charged, mum hospitalized, dad walks out completely washing his hands off his children and family and a brother stranded with nothing to survive on.
This has been blogged just in case I go out of contact. Great week ahead. Only god knows when I'll blog next. But when I do, I'll make it memorable. Adios.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Long overdue. I know. I apologize. This is Thaipusam 2008. Another one to the collections.
Labels: Thaipusam 2008
