Sunday, October 15, 2006
Door To Door Wails
First off, I've been thinking about something big. Something that I am gonna work my ass for. If you know, you know. If you don't, then pass it. And to those whom I actually called to inform about my big dreams on TV, I apologise. I am not gonna put up anything about it here. We'll work secretly underground. You know who you are. You know my number. Call me. I'll explain. And so, moving on to today, I state rules. Rules that you really should abide by when you see praba at your doorstep.
You'd have probably known by now that I am selling vinaayager plates for charity. If you don't, click here for more details. So apart from trying to sell them online, I also do door to door visits to try and sell the plates. Sad to say, I come across the most strangest people living in singapore while working. Some of the questions that they pose, I'd say is worth a slap. I've done this door to door bullshit far too many times and I am not in any way impressed with the replies/reactions I get. So here are rules IF you know me and I happen to be knocking on your door trying to sell something.
Rule 1
Do NOT open the door, put your finger in your lips, and gimme a strange look like I killed your family. If your grandmother has eyesight problems, attach binoculars to her. Or else, blindfold her and keep her tied in your storeroom. The next time any grandmother gives me that weird stare, I'll jus give her one punch in the eye and walk off.
Rule 2
Please stop yelling to your husband/boyfriend/fling "There's an indian boy here!" Crazy women, why the hell you shouting for? What am I? A terrorist? You just say someone is here. Stop adding the words "indian boy" to remind me that I fall under the minority.
Rule 3
If I tell you the name of the charitable organization, and it sounds very indian, do not ask me "Is that an indian thing?" Does ramakrishnan mission sound any chinese or malay to you? Where're you from? Zimbabwe?
Rule 4
If you don't wanna buy, say so. I've got many places to go to. Stop asking me if the plate was painted in thailand by a transsexual or whether it was transported by a bullock cart to singapore or have we paid our taxes. Ask me questions ONLY IF it affects the factors of you buying it. You mean to say you'd only buy the plates if they were coloured by crayons? You wouldn't like it if I were to ask you what sized undergarments your daughter wears to find out how old she is would you?
Rule 5
Stop asking me questions outta the blue. I am not there to make friends with you and add you up on MSN. I have a job to do. I don't care if you squat and shit on your plant to fertilize it or whether you use your wife's menstruation pad to fertilize it. Your soil is not my toil. I is least bothered. So the next time, don't ask me what is the best fertilizer to use. When in doubt, pour some kerosene and set your rose plant ablaze. It looks worse than your wife anyway.
Rule 6
Peepholes. If I were to knock on your door, please open the door to listen to me. Do not check me out from the peephole for the next thirty minutes all the way till I walk off. The next time round, if you're looking through a peephole and you see something dark, RUN! I'll be pointing a gun right at the peephole.
Rule 7
Keep away from me that maid of yours. Especially if she only knows how to say the words "I dunno". I will slap the shit outta her to indonesia. And even if your maid happens to be indian, try stop her indian slangs. You do not wish to see her guest appear at keling killahs do you? And so, I do not wish to hear the words "Yaaro Vanthiruka-her" I am not a 'her'! I is a 'him'.
Rule 8
When I am talking, you do not answer me together with your entire family. One at a time please. I know my ears are big. But they're not that big till your family can play 'kabadi' inside. But the interesting thing here is, when they all speak that bloody fast and they all do it so synchronized like as if they knew I was coming, it sounds like a song! Try it with a friend when you're free.
Rule 9
I am 20 donkey years old. Stop asking your 7 year old kid, who gives me that gay smile, to converse with me while your wife lies like a hippo in front of the TV and you're lying on her beer belly. What the fuck did she swallow? A microwave oven? And was it the sound of sun TV that I heard playing in the background while your son was giving me a gay smile? I'll set your house on fire.
Rule 10
When someone knocks on your door, be it your friend/enemy/loanshark, attend to them neatly. If your hair is long enough to sweep the floor while walking and they're curlier than curly fries, tie it up. You sure you're indian? You look like the tribe men from africa.
Rule 11
How in the world do you sneak in a panda bear to your house? Oh, you mean to say that was a dog? Bloody keep it refrigerated in the fridge jackass. I do not wanna be intimidated when I am talking. But, of course, if that was a cheat code to chase me away, kudos!
So let me just end it off here. I carry along with me, a paper where the donor's name is taken down to say a thank you on behalf of ramakrishnan mission. But from tomorrow onwards, when I am hitting the blocks, I am gonna carry along an extra piece of paper with the headings "Addresses of people whose door I should throw some paint at".
Praba
- 3:52 AM
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