Sunday, May 28, 2006

World Cup Fever

Inspired by an email sent to me. The world cup draws closer. Excited is an understatement. Delirious ain't precise enough. But the real problem is, how do I dispose my mum off the remote control? One worry on every football loving Indian boy's mind. How to get their mums disconnected from the sun tv world. My mum watches sun tv like I watch porn. A daily schedule for her that can bypass any important appointments. Trust me when I say that. And I'd strongly urge sun tv broadcasters to rethink their schedule during the world cup period. Hamam soap will be thrown at you losers.

No one feels me when I talk to them about the world cup. It comes once in four years. If people can anticipate eclipses that come once in two years and watch with their mouths wide open, though they dun have a damn clue what the fuck is happening, I reckon that they should anticipate the world cup too. I strongly urge my ladies to watch the world cup. Coz there is no way in hell you're gonna ask me follow you shopping, threading, manicure, pedicure, clubbing or even lingerie try outs. No one is gonna dispossess me off my television. So please look elsewhere for victims.

Today I was suggesting a list of places where my mum can put up at during the world cup. I named her relatives whom haf seemingly disconnected from planet earth. Women in the house when men are watching soccer is like a man in between two women discussing about make-ups. My mum doesn't understand that I can call up starhub to mimic her voice and get sun tv disconnected for a month which might save me $4. That amount may seem little but trust me, it comes in handy when the titbit stocks are running out. And if my mum still insists in staying with me, her lips will be sealed with scotch tape. All noisy household appliances will be rented out to accommodate to the rising costs of beer cans that might cause a "Ole" in my pocket.

Trust me, a small pin drop which affects even the slightest of attention from me could earn you a three day, two night stay in the all improved Tan Tock Seng. Remotes will be kept in safes jus in case someone accidentally presses the buttons during a hair raising moment. So, a reminder to all my friends: Calls will NOT be entertained. My handphone will be strictly SWITCHED OFF. No matter how important the call is, only make calls during half time or after the game. And provided the score line satisfies me and there ain't no highlight of the match. Regardless of whether they repeat it once or forever, even the slightest of information is important to me. Whether Ronaldinho's balls were entangled during the step-overs or Beckham's wife's panties were sticking out when he hit that free kick or Toure's ass was extruding out an extra mile while running, they're all just as important as the match is. The house phone will be unplucked from the socket and kept in my neighbour's house. So if you need me, call him. But please be courteous enough to put down the phone if you hear loud incomprehensible Chinese words. It probably means "What the fuck do you want?"

After the full time whistle, please don't make calls to tell me "Relax, it's just a game. What's the big deal?" or "There's still another world cup four years down the road." Such words will carry an equivalent meaning to "Please give me a hard slap" And dear friends, try not to haf any functions during the world cup month that requires my presence. I will not turn up. Anything that means I have to move an inch from the television will end up with drastic consequences.
We men haf a passion for football like you ladies haf a passion for cam-whoring. With that, I end by saying, "Feel the heat of the samba when they're dancing with the ball." The Almighty Brazilians. Cheers to Aarthi! Brazil to carry the world cup.