Friday, April 10, 2009
The Plus Points
Plus points. Very important factors when it comes to courting. You know, the distance men go just to date a girl, sometimes disgust me. Why bother doing so much? I will never understand this bullshit but hey, since I am the ever suggesting Praba, here we go on plus points.
The Flowers:
You go out to buy her flowers [+5 points]
But return with beer [-10 points]
And lipstick marks all over your face [-15 points]
The Protective Boyfriend:
You check out a suspicious noise at night [+5 points]
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing [0 points]
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something [+10 points]
You pummel it with a sledgehammer [+15 points]
It's her cat [-50 points]
Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party [+5 points]
You stay by her side awhile and then leave to chat with a drinking buddy [-5 points]
Named Siti [-10 points]
Who is a strip dancer [-15 points]
And has implants [-20 points]
And her G-string showing [-50 points]
Saturday Afternoons:
You visit her parents [+5 points]
You visit her parents and actually make conversation [+10 points]
You visit her parents and stare at the TV blankly [-10 points]
And the television is off [-15 points]
Her Birthday:
You take her out for dinner [+5 points]
You take her out for dinner and it's not a sports bar [+10 points]
You give her a gift [+15 points]
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance [-10 points]
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance [+15 points]
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months [+30 points]
You wait till the last day and then buy her a dress at the last minute [-10 points]
With her credit card [-30 points]
And whatever you buy is two sizes too big [-100 points]
Thoughtfulness:
You forget to pick her up from the bus stop [-10 points]
Which is in Tuas [-20 points]
And it happens to be raining that day [-30 points]
And her dress gets damaged because of all this [-50 points]
A Night Out With Your Friends:
You have a few beers [-5 points]
For every bear after 3am [-5 points for each glass]
And miss curfew by an hour [-10 points]
you get home at 5am [-20 points]
You get home at 5am smelling of beer and cigarettes [-30 points]
And not wearing pants [-50 points]
And is that her panties? [-200 points]
A Night Out. Just The Two Of You:
You see a comedian [+5 points]
He's crude and sexist [-10 points]
You laugh [-20 points]
You laugh too much [-30 points]
She's not laughing [-40 points]
You laugh harder [-50 points]
Driving:
You lose the direction on a trip [-5 points]
You lose the direction and end up getting lost [-10 points]
You end up getting lost in Yishun 925 [-15 points]
And you end up confronting the anjadis there [-20 points]
She finds out you lied about having a black belt [-50 points]
Communication:
When she talks, you listen displaying a concerned expression [+20 points]
When she talks, you listen for over 30 minutes [+25 points]
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV [+30 points]
All this is because you've fallen asleep [-50 points]
Labels: Dating, Men, Plus Points, Women
Praba
- 10:28 PM
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Thursday, April 09, 2009
The Jealous Questions
You know, the gender war between men and women will NEVER end. It's just how nature is. I will never get along with any girl. I just somehow get put off at some time. And so will they. It's just not me to click with a girl. And they too, on the other hand, will never understand me. And I don't need them to actually. Sometimes, things are better left unsaid and untouched. But I will answer basic questions. The ever honest me.
Q: Why are men such jerks?
A: It's in the testosterone. Much similar to your PMS thingy. We men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter? [And it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure] Hormones modify behaviour. We're just misunderstood.
Q: Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
A: Again, this is a testosterone thingy. Do you honestly think all that testosterone fell off from our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just better at not getting caught. It's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorise it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we tend to stare longer and as much as we can to try and burn this into our memory.
Q: Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
A: We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public just doesn't give me the excuse to not adjust him. It's uncomfortable you know?
Q: Why do men always say such stupid things?
A: We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see you women get frustrated by a few simple [and well chosen] words.
Q: Why are men so uncommunicative?
A: So that you learn to shut that big fat mouth of yours too if you always get into trouble by opening it and saying the wrong stuff.
Q: Why do men have to act such retards?
A: Actually we don't have to. We do it because we enjoy it.
Q: Why can't men just share their feelings?
A: Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea on how we feel? Unless you're talking about a brick landing on my head from the 30th storey, I have no idea how I feel.
Q: Why can't men just say "I love you"?
A: Men are taught from tender young age to be self sufficient. To say that we love you is equivilent to saying that we need you. Most men consider this a character fault. It's not easy to admit one's character fault, is it?
Q: Why do men say "I love you" when they barely a women?
A: Haha! Aren't you supposed to be special? Some men consider this a special way of saying that you're special. And some think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. [And quite surprisingly, it still works. Ho ho ho]
Q: Why doesn't a man sometimes answer a women?
A: We simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your stupid questions. If we think we do not have the answer or that you will not like the answer, we will keep quiet and preserve the energy for other things.
Q: Why do men just fart out loud and not maintain it on the low?
A: Actually, I was doing up a post on farts. I will release it on a later date but the reason why we fart is to show that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's a sign of affection. [Besides, holding it back for hours causes stomach cramps]
Q: Why do men hate shopping?
A: This, I need to badly answer. It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it and bring it back. Who the hell wants to spend hours to look at things we don't intend to buy? Besides, what the fuck are your female friends for?
Labels: Gender Fights, Men, Women
Praba
- 10:35 PM
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Wednesday, December 19, 2007
The Revised List
I is back. More wiser, polite, patient and well behaved-NOT. For fuck's sake, I is a soulja. You don't expect me to go "Excuse me gentlemen, can you please proceed with 20 push ups and recover yourself?" do you? And if just like my friends, you're wondering how army's treating me, are you fucking outta your mind? It's the fucking army for god's sake. There's no 2 ways as to how they treat you. Nevertheless, I'm good. That's only how I'll be just in case you're hoping I'll break my leg while marching or drown while gulping down half a full water bottle. I've adapted well into the SAF and as some might have noticed, I link every damn thing I talk with the SAF. Yea, it's damn gay, I know.
Anyhow, since I'm busy fighting for the nation on weekdays and fighting with the nation on weekends, I kinda lost touch with all my beloveds. So much so that I don't know who broke up with who and who broke who. Do update me before I go "Hey, how's your boyfriend?" and you send me power nudges that slow down my already unresponsive computer. Meanwhile, if you're having problems with your boyfriend like this friend of mine, maybe you should heed by this revised list of 2007.
What I want in a man. [Original list at the age of 22]
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I want in a man. [Revised list at the age of 32]
1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at your jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I want in a man. [Revised list at the age of 42]
1. Not too ugly - bald head okay
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I want in a man. [Revised list at the age of 52]
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while you're talking
5. Doesn't re-tell same jokes too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
What I want in a man. [Revised list at the age of 62]
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake [LOUDLY when asleep]
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10.Remembers when...
What I want in a man. [Revised list at the age of 72]
1. Breathing..
Yeaps, you heard it from the man. If you're interested enough, go make a revised list of your own for a women. I'd be more than glad to read. Adios.
Labels: Men, NS, Revised List
Praba
- 1:43 AM
0 comment(s)
Saturday, March 17, 2007
The Men Don't Get It
Some men just don't get it. Below, with some mild editing done by me, is a letter written by a husband to his wife and then a reply from his wife to him. See how the interpretation goes wrong. And the letter, goes like this:
To my dear wife:
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have only succeeded 36 times which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
[Now is the reply from his wife to him.]
To my dear husband:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball etc.on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breath.Labels: Men, Women
Praba
- 11:04 AM
Saturday, March 03, 2007
21 Reasons To Hail A Male
It's about time I put forth to you why I is grateful being born a male rather than a female.
1. My last name stays put.
2. No one's gonna spike my drink and chocolates are just another snack.
3. I can never be pregnant. [Phew]
4. I can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
5. Heck, I can wear NO T-shirt at all to a water park.
6. I can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 23 minutes.
7. I don't really have to worry if my underwear's showing whenever I squat.
8. Wedding dress- $5000. Tux rental- $100. [I is not planning on an Indian style wedding]
9. People never stare at my chest when I'm talking to them.
10. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle my feet.
11. One mood. [All the time]
12. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
13. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
14. My underwear is $8.95 for three.
15. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough for me.
16. I never have strap problems in public.
17. Everything on my face stays its original color.
18. I only have to shave my face and neck.
19. I can wear shorts no matter how ugly my legs look.
20. I have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
And lastly, my favourite and also the reason for this post.
21. The world is my urinal.Labels: Men, Women
Praba
- 4:52 PM
0 comment(s)
Monday, November 06, 2006
Mars Vs. Venus
CCB. I decided not to close this blog liao. Where in the world do you come up with all those excellent rumours? Even I myself cannot think of such. And no, I was contemplating closing this blog not cause of family or personal reasons. I is plain lazy. Whatever the shit you heard or spreading, ain't true. Like I always say in style:
Fuck what you heard. It's what you're hearing.
Coming to the post, I've gotta admit that it takes solid amount of patience to actually be reading someone's blog. I swear I am not the type of guy who sits down in one place to read up on someone else's bullshit. Especially if they're only gonna be talking about how golden their balls are. But today, it was different. Praba actually sat down to actually read someone else's bullshit. And I'd say that all that patience paid dividends. I will not provide you the URL of that particular blog. (Coz I know the indians that you are) So instead, I will copy it down just so that you have a good read. And the solid story, with some editing I did, goes like this:
[One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear. "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought she was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy for you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. But at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.]
Ahh. I is loving it. I is really loving it. Now cheers to all men who were dumbfounded when the ladies said such stuff to us. Adios.
Labels: Men, Women
Praba
- 4:11 PM
0 comment(s)
