Friday, February 23, 2007
Just the night before the Liverpool and Barcelona match, a boyfriend calls up his girlfriend. Both of which are my friends. The girlfriend, a Liverpool fan. The boyfriend, a Manchester United fan. The rest, as explained:He: Hey, who will win today?
She: *Sleepily* Liverpool 2 Barcelona 1.
He: No way. Please la. Put down the phone. Liverpool will lose today.
The following morning, she wakes up to see a SMS from her boyfriend which went like this:
"Liverpool 2 Barcelona 1. Don't call me today. I'm gonna mourn the whole day."
[My dear friend, when you predicted that score, didn't anything tell you to drag your ass to the nearest Singapore Pools and throw in a $10 bet which would have earned you a near $60++ returns?]
Thursday, February 22, 2007
When it boils down to a Liverpool match, I let go the anjadi tendency in me. So bear with me when I say:
BILA BILA LIVERPOOL!!!
See, it doesn't affect me when you tell me Liverpool sucks. Coz that's your choice if you like them and also coz I don't give a fuck to what you have to say either. Whether you like em' or not, bottom line is, I love em'. So if you're a liverpool fan, it's time to stand up and scream with me. And by the way, if you're watching a soccer match, never send SMSes before the match ends. It's only gonna embarrass you. Like this:
After Deco scored: Saw that goal not deh? Liverpool will get thrashed today da. Wait and see. Barca for life la. Ronaldinho will put one in next la.
After Bellemy's equaliser: Tyco deh liverpool. The ball haven't crossed the line deh. Tyco bastards. Liverpool sucks la.
After Riise scored: I cannot believe it deh.
The moral of the story? Don't count your chickens before the eggs hatch. Adios.
Labels: Liverpool
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Note: Gentlemen, take out a piece of paper and jot down the following points. Comes in handy when meeting a girl.Yesterday, I went to meet Esh for dinner. And I asked her what time she wanted to meet up. The answer was 'sevenish'. Both she and I left the conversation shortly and that's when I started pondering over what sevenish meant. That's when a friend came to the rescue.
Friend: So what time you gonna go?
Me: She said sevenish. But the thing about women that I don't like is when they say "I'll meet you at Tekka around sevenish." That's scary. How the hell would I know if the 'ish' is 7.10, 7.30 or 7.45?
Friend: *Laughs* Should be 7.10pm. Most to most, 10 minutes. If they say 7 plus, then it's a lil' longer than that. [Read: 7.30pm] If they say 7-8, then they will be somewhat an hour late.
Me: *In awe*
Monday, February 19, 2007
I don't know how come but, these days, kids start adding me up in MSN. Just in case you're stuck in the same scenario, here's how you chase away a sixteen year old girl whom you do not wanna see in your MSN list anymore:Victim: Hi, I'm ***** here. I got your add from a friend of mine. Mind making friends?
Me: *Shocked* Huh? What again? You wanna make friends? What the hell do you think this is? MRIC? And by the way, looking at your pale photo, you look punjabi. Are you? And how bloody young is you?
Victim: Hmm. Why you like so angry? I'm turning 16. Yea, I'm pure punjabi. Yourself?
Me: 16?!?! Aren't you supposed to be doing your homework after your afternoon nap and then heading for tuition classes in the night? And do I in any way look chinese to you? I'm an impure hindu while you're a pure punjabi. Nevermind about that. What do you call a punjabi chick who's wild?
Victim: What?
Me: Hard kaur. [Hardcore]
Victim: Oh my god, you're lame.
Me: Thanks for the compliment [Insert smily face here]
Victim: Huh??
Me: Nothing. You have a brother?
Victim: Yeaps. You?
Me: Nope, mine died in the SQ 911 plane crash. By the way, what do you call your brother when he's exercising?
Victim: Huh? I don't know.
Me: Exercise-singh. [Exercising]
Victim: Hey, don't make fun of my family!
Me: Deal, I'll ask you one last question and if you can answer me correctly, I will not make fun of your family. Deal?
Victim: Ok. What?
Me: Punjabis are usually hairy right?
Victim: Erm. Think so. Why?
Me: What will you call your father if he had no hair?
Victim: I don't know. You just tell.
Me: Wax-singh! Wahahaha!
Victim: %$@#!#ASS!$^&(*@#$@@! [After which, she blocks me]
Easy does it. Adios
Sunday, February 18, 2007
A very happy Chinese new year to all my Chinese friends. But the truth is, we don't really give a mandarin orange if you're having your new year. We're just happy that we have holidays. So thank you for granting the holiday that we much need. And also, if you're visiting, don't just stop with the mandarin oranges. Bring along a couple of sugar tangerines as well. [Click here to find out what they are] And like it always is during every Chinese new year, praba is busy visiting houses and banking Ang Pao's. It pays to have more Chinese friends than Indian friends. I still recall last year when I barely had enough cash to get to my friend's place. But at the end of the day, after the ang pao collection and a well assisted mahjong game, I had more than enough to take a cab home [Inclusive of midnight charge] with a Marlboro reds in my pocket and a Heineken in my hand. Trust me, I nearly had an orgasm when I opened the ang pao. Now, how's that for a new year?Today, a friend of mine called to invite me to her house. And instead of the usual me who 'aapu vaikiraans', she gave me one solid kick in the ass. Dedicated to the women who spoiled my Chinese new year mood. [You don't want me to mention your name do you?] Read on and see if you think the same way.
Friend: Hey Indian, I having open house for Chinese new year. You better come hor. Don't like last year!
Me: Ok ok, will come this year. Which day?
Friend: Tuesday and Wednesday la. But better to come on Tuesday coz all youngsters. Wednesday got some relative la. Come in the afternoon okay?? And please, for heaven's sake, wear an auspicious colour like red this time hor. Don't like last year wear black okay?! My father damn pissed with you last year lor.
Me: *Embarrassed* Err, sorry, I cannot hear the last 3 sentences. Reception problem. And Tuesday tight la manjen. Afternoon I gotta go for lunch in my friend's house leh. Night time also I booked. Wednesday confirm I cannot come also. Alot of places to go. How liddat? Tell your father I come another time or what la.
Friend: I don't care. Come for mine first. How you wanna go your friend house also? Your mother confiscate your ez-link mah. At least, if my house, I can come pick you up mah. My dad allow me to drive his car already.
Me: I can borrow first lor. I just need to find money to get to her place only mah. Once I am there, jackpot liao. Confirm got ang pao one. And don't tell me it won't even contain a five dollar bill to say the least? Confirm got one mah. Right anot?
Friend: *Laughs* Waa. You damn criminal leh! Smart ah you!
Me: *Grinning in satisfaction* THEN WHY THE FUCK AM I INDIAN FOR? By the way, your ang pao contains the same amount as last year right? [Remember I mentioned about the Marlboro reds in my pocket and the Heineken can in my hand? Last year, her dad gave me a special ang pao of $100 because he was very fond of me. And the rest was mahjong earnings with a lil' gambling luck]
Friend: *Laughs* Ya la. But this year you won't get lor.
Me: *Disappointed* Huh? Why?!?!
Friend: Coz you owe me $60. So I deduct from your ang pao. So now you need to give me only $10 lor. I so nice right? Allow you to pay me with my own money.
Me: WAA. Got liddat also one ah? Smart ah you?
Friend: *Laughs* THEN WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM CHINESE FOR?
Me: *Completely disappointed* You win la cheena piang, you win. I is lose liao.
Friend: *Laughs* So, since you like blogging about you winning others by disturbing them, you should blog about this okie? You must admit that you lost!
Me: As you wish.
So there you go, don't say I never hor. I admitted defeat. You win la sweetheart. Adios.
Labels: Chinese New Year
Friday, February 16, 2007
Don't ask me why but I just love irritating and testing the patience of people. I did it again, in style, like this:Friend: Bro, wat you did for valentine's day?
Me: Nothing la. Just stayed at home and slacked. What you did?
Friend: Went out with my girlfriend. Bought her roses and chocolates. She was very touched. How come you didn't go out with your girlfriend.
Me: Oh, that's nice of you. Like that la. She was busy and I was busy so we didn't go out.
Friend: You sure everything's all right bro?
Me: Don't worry about it. Will be ok. I is strong.
Friend: Err, okie. If you need someone to talk to, you can always call me up bro.
Me: Thanks alot man. I appreciate it. But I'd appreciate it more if I could talk to your sister.
Friend: WHAT?!?!?!?!
Me: Sorry sorry, typo.
Having finished irritating him, another friend of mine decided to let me know of his ROM which he was so excited for. [He must be crazy] Till I shared a thing or two or three or four [Argh, you get the message] about women.
Friend: Dei mike, wat doings?
Me: Nuttin la. What you doing?
Friend: Working da. Just wanted to tell you that my ROM will be in a few months time.
Me: When is it roughly?
Friend: December.
Me: Dude, that's fucking long.
Friend: I know da. I want it to come soon da.
Me: [The lessons start here] Mike, are you crazy? Why the hell would you want your death to come by early?
Friend: What you talking da?
Me: Lim peh kah li kong. You know that god's a real unfair man?
Friend: Why?
Me: He creates such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into wives.
Friend: *Laughs*
Me: Yours love marriage right?
Friend: Ya da. Only oorukaarans will go for arranged marriages da. Arranged marriages all won't work out da.
Me: Bullshit la bro. Telling me that love marriage is better than arranged marriage is like telling me that attempted suicide is better than murder. Both also you die mah.
Friend: *laughs*
Me: And don't be too happy about the ROM la bro. Alot of my friends now tell me to marry late. Be happy you still have till december to party.
Friend: That bad ah mike? Actually I heard also la. But my girlfriend very understanding da.
Me: Trust me la bro, it's worse than you think. Understanding? You'll be standing under your block soon.
Friend: *Laughs* You know alot about women da. No wonder so many photos with women.
Me: Cut that out. Listen bro, postpone your ROM as much as you can. Pay some priest to come and testify that your child will be impotent if you married before the age of 30.
Friend: Cannot da. I informing everyone already da. My wife also told her friend all da. If we postpone means she will cry da.
Me: God bless you bro. Let me ask you just one thing. Just be honest aitz?
Friend: Ask da.
Me: You love your girlfriend more than anything in the world and you will listen to anything she says?
Friend: [This part, he unleashes the devadas in him] She is my life da of course I will do anything for her.
Me: Listen bro, a word of advice from Dr. Aan-ba-lai-singam: When a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it's love. After marriage, it's self-defense. You take care la bro. I need to rush to Shivan temple now. Ciaoz.
The last 10 thing any woman would ever say:
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I’m tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It’s easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don’t throw that old t-shirt away. The holes in the armpits are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I don’t even wanna put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 7 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I’m wrong. You must be right again.
Labels: Women
I just realised that I'm mad about this colour combination now. Ask esh and she'll tell you how excited I was when I was telling her about this. All's said. Now, I'll marry any women who has a gold on maroon colour G-string. [My love for the g's is still as special as honey for the bees]Adios.
Labels: Gold, Maroon, Royal Colour Combo
Labels: Thaipusam 2007
Thursday, February 15, 2007
I just don't know why but I've been feeling very naughty these days. I get this adrenaline rush to irritate someone/anyone. Today, I just had to irritate a friend like this:Friend: Bro, I really hate to do this but I have to.
Me: Huh??
Friend: I know you're going through an extremely hard time financially plus with your mother waiting for you to move out and all but I really need my $2 back.
Me: [Knn, it's $2 and he gives so much build up like it's $200. So I decided to play a fool] Oh, don't worry about it la. I'll be fine. When do you need the money by?
Friend: ASAP?
Me: Aitz, will pass you back when I get my pay.
Friend: Ok sure. When will you get your pay?
Me: When I get a job.
Friend: You mean you're not working?
Me: Nope. Mother took back her ez-link card so I don't travel these days. Which somehow translates to "I'm fucked at home for the rest of my life". I've called up a few places but all too far for me. Cannot walk there.
Friend: How you going to pass me the money then?
Me: Strictly account transfers. Else, you come tekka.
Friend: For $2?
Me: Even if it's 20 cents.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Today, the same thought ran through my mind as it has been for the past one week-what colour should my ideal kavadi be. I like the gold and maroon combo. It gives anything a grand look, I believe. So while that thought was running through my mind, the thought of changing my blog skin intervened. The brown on black combo has always made this blog look dull. And since ah neh also mentioned once about his age catching up to read a white on black background, I thought editing the colours would do justice. And that's exactly when this quiz my friend did occurred to me. Here are the results:| Your Blog Should Be Orange |
 Your writing has a star quality - it's charming, bold, and flamboyant. You write what's on your mind, without fear of embarrassment later. You are one of the most honest bloggers around, and people appreciate your daring persona. |
All said, I'm still thinking of this maroon with gold combo. I just love royal colour combos. Might try it soon. We'll see if the colour changes anytime soon. Maybe I'll start with the tag board first. Adios.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Today I went to the coffeeshop just to play with a uncle. He sells beers, ciggies, peanuts to go along with the beer, redbull for mixers, liquor and all those stuff any decent, top notch, proper, caring shop owner should sell. But as laid back as his peanut's brand is, is his understanding about me. He has this whole 'Indians are smart, decent people' concept running in his head. [Little does he know the truth. Should bring him along for thaipusam or panguni the next time round. Or heck it, what's explosion night for? I'll drag him there.]Anyhow, I like it whenever I twist his words and he goes "Waa, so smart ah!" [What the hell did he think I was? Stupid?] Anyhow, it's always nice when you 'aapu vaikiraan' somebody. This is for today's "Waa, so smart ah!":
Me: Uncle, how much Viceroy reds ah?
Coffeeshop Uncle: You dunno meh? Everytime pass by here. $9.40 lor.
Me: You can sell me for $8 not?
Coffeeshop Uncle: $8?!?!?! For $8 I can only give you the empty box lar!
Me: Okie, since the box alone costs $8, you keep the box and I'll pay you $1.40 for the 20 sticks that are inside. Deal boh?
Coffeeshop Uncle: *With laughter something similar to a lion's roar* Waaa, so sma................................
You get the picture. Adios.
Labels: Coffeeshop Uncle, Viceroy Reds
Monday, February 12, 2007
Got these pictures off an email. Pretty interesting. Click on image to enlarge.
Here's why men die for women:
This is how born geniuses like me prefer to answer a maths paper:
Solid answer:
The engineering telepathy:
The unconventional way of repairing:
Alarm clock from hell:
Que: To stop the alarm, you have to hold down the right pin. Not going to stay sleepy after this mission.
The heartbreaking one:
The right angle:
The Sony Ericsson chocolate mobile:
A good way to kill your boyfriend/husband:
The artificial beach in Japan:
A good way to test the 'Rasams' the next time round:
For the artistic:
Cloning gone wrong:
And finally, a woman's' latest best friend,
Eccentric:
Note: Mouse pad and Keyboard made of authentic elephant ivory. Diamonds all around the laptop. Ladies start screaming. Adios.Labels: Emails
This is the side view of the tangerine compared to it's bigger brother, the orange. 
Aww, I nearly cried seeing this. This is puny.
Zoomed in.
Fuck, it only fits 1/4 the size of my palms.
Zoomed in.
Moments we need the 'auww'.
Ha! I've got two.On a serious note, these oranges are fucking delicious. They carry the double S combo. Sweet and seedless. But if you're looking to fill your stomach, then you oughta buy a few kilograms. Make it 10 if you've been made to starve for lunch. And they cost $3 per 500 kilograms. Don't ask me where. Go figure.
Labels: Sugar Tangerines, Sweet Oranges.
