Thursday, December 28, 2006
MRT Etiquette-The Remake
A month back, I was reading a blog posted by a friend who wrote about kids from the special schools boarding the train. I know who exactly those kids are coz I travel the same direction as her and have seen em' umpteen times myself. I suddenly got reminded of this post that was saved in my drafts.
A very long time back, I was reading through ah neh's classics. To see his classics, which by the way is at the right hand side, click here. But to read one particular favourite of mine, entitled 'MRT Etiquette', click here. I shared the same pheelings with him about the commuters and it wasn't long before I did a lil' dissin' of my own as well. Now, I did this post quite some time back and am putting this up coz I is motherfucking lazy to blog about something new. (NNB, you think I very free ah?) Anyways, coming to the all important matter.
To think that the MRT is a convenient way of travelling, and actually boarding it only to be bitterly disappointed coz it adds to further headaches, is only gonna further infuriate a growing teenager like me. I have a very low tolerance level and the word patience is non existent in my encyclopedia when I take a train. I will elaborate why, like this:
The Kids
I am not kidding. If I have to smack your kids, I will NOT hesitate. I will hammer the 'Cha Kway Tiao' he gobbled the night before outta that fat mule you call a son. Keep him seated with his hands handcuffed to whatever the fuck you can find. Else, use a straitjacket. Why is it that your kids have to be so different from me when I was younger? When my dad says sit, I chant the alphabets S-I-T. I remain glued to my seat till further instructions were given. These days, kids grow up to become young scientists. They explore anything and everything. From my shoe laces to my books till my piercings, they HAVE to lay their hands on everything. Why the fuck is your kid as itchy as your husband? And I really need to ask this: What is so fuckin' funny about me? Why is it that your kid has to point at me of all people and laugh "Appu Neh Neh"?? You know how sad that is? There is nothing I can say to make a good counter for that. Who the fuck instilled the racism in him at such a tender age? And the next time your son spills his oreo crumbs on me, I will not hammer him. I will get YOUR ass gunned. And keep all infants away from the MRT if you can. Coz I is not the type of guy who'll look at your tomato shaped satan of a baby and go "Aww. What a cutie pie." Hell nah. I will shuff a carrot up his throat if he aggravates my irritation. So if ever you bring on board that irritating infant of yours who definitely will scream to spoil someone else's peace, attach a vacuum to his windpipe.
My Beloved Teenagers
This will be broken into many parts. Just when you thought educated blokes like them would be better behaved, they prove you so wrong.
The Throat Infected- See, you don't need to tell the whole world what is happening in your life. I am so sorry that your maid, whom you've been trying so hard to get into bed with you, ran away with a Bangladeshi. But please lower your volume. You don't need to tell every single one what a good blowjob she did on you. And why is it that you have to scream your lungs on the phone? What the fuck for? You're giving a trunk call to India? I was peacefully enjoying silence one day on the train when this mad son of a turbine screamed "HELLO MUMMY AH?!" What the fuck?! Are you crazy? You nearly killed an old women with that scream. And for heaven's sake, even if you wanna blast and show off your out of tune ringtone, I would really appreciate it if you had better ones. Coz I saw an aunty, in her mid 40's, singing along with a ringtones once myself. See, even an aunty knows the type of songs that you're playing. Tsk.
The Very Attached- You ain't no siamese twin. You don't need to sit down right beside each other and rub your balls together. It won't hurt if you're sitting right across each other or a few seats away. So the next time you see an empty seat beside me and your 'best buddy in the world who's bound to run with your girlfriend given the chance' sits his ass beside me, don't gimme that look like I killed your family. I is in no way obliged to give up my seats for you. You're a young man. You can stand. Here, it's not the 'first-come, first-serve' basis. It's the 'who-see, who-grab' basis. And when there are seats in between me, and both you gay boys sit sandwiching me, do not try to converse. Why is it that both you cocks have to lean forward to my dick and start speaking? Does it look like a microphone? It looks wrong. It's fucking irritating when I have to hear your conversation as well. You think I give a fuck if your girlfriend didn't go down on you? Do you think it matters if you tried it doggy style or 69? And why is it that you have to ask your friend why your girlfriend didn't moan? Ask her la!
The Musically Inclined- Yea I know the usher that you are at heart. But why is it that you have to let the whole world listen to your bullshit as well? You spend, let's say, $100 on your fuggin handphone and you couldn't afford a fake $2.50 Nokia earpiece from Sungei Road? Trust me, the quality is good. And the next time I hear anyone play anything that sounds like a 'Chinese Wayang' or "Dangdut', I will shuff that handphone of yours up your ass! And please for heaven's sake, Indian music is not in any way cool especially if you're playing a 80's song that you have to blast and let the whole cabin headbang with.
The 'Open' Minded- I will not deny. Being very honest, I'd love to look at a 'Zhao Geng'. BUT, if you're fast approaching the 30's, 40's or 50's and above category in terms of age, please keep your pee holes as pee holes and not peepholes. Stop airing your rotting pussy in public. Only I know how the uncle beside me did some matrix stunts to catch a glimpse of excitement. I swear I would have vomited. So air your 'Ikan Bilis' of a pussy at home. And if you have watermelons for boobs, I know the dying urge you have to show em' off. But not when your ugly face gets into the way. So keep it deflated when you board the already crowded train that's looking at your world globes.
And I have decided to end it here. I decided to delete the rest. Too lengthy. So all you old folks, 'anjadis', Filipino maids and Bangladeshi worker's are safe. Maybe a part 2 might be drafted. Maybe not. I is unsure. I is too lazy to address to all. Adios.
Labels: MRT
Praba
- 7:47 PM
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