Monday, October 23, 2006

Deepavali-The Aftermath

Disclaimer: This post is dedicated to those who didn't reach their expected 'ang pao' targets this year and for those slightly more to the 'I so badly wanna bitch coz all my friends collected more dough than me' mood.

Deepavali. The excuse to buy new clothes and clean up the mess you made outta the house you live in. The time to escape everyday food at home and feast on something nicer elsewhere. Nicer becoz you're paid to eat good food cooked by someone else. Paid as in in the form of an 'ang pao'. And 'ang paos' are a must becoz you see an additional item being added to your 'die die must get' list every 30 seconds.

The countdown

If you think that deepavali is the bigger event and not the countdown, I bet you not. If you noticed, the countdown always carries a longer 'orgasm' periods than the day itself. If you took yourself to the streets of campbell lane on deepavali eve, you'd know exactly what I meant. It's not about the mood. It's about getting into the mood. Armed with foamed spray cans and party poppers, our dear yindians cruised through the already crowded bazaar. And party poppers and foamed spray cans are a must to irritate the shit outta everyone. So what if you don't know them? The idea is to finish the foamed can to give your money a good worth and to show everyone what an irritating muthafucka you are. For those who wanna remain in the anonymous category and do not wanna risk the "Fuck you la chee bai, your mother never teach you ah?", use the bomb bags. Inflate that deflated son of a bitch and run away to hide and watch it explode to shoot some 'cum' looking liquid right up the skirt of some girl walking. All in the name of being sporting. *Applause*

Nevermind if you've run out of pick up lines or lack the brains to think of one. There's no need to worry coz you can always walk up to the cute chick and say "Hey, happy advanced deepavali wishes." Even though it doesn't mean peanuts to you if she celebrates deepavali or not. This is that one day where you get a step closer than all your previous attempts by shaking their hands. 2 for $8 beer cans and malaysian cigarette packs play an important role in welcoming the festive mood. Whether or not you go there to shop or 'eye wash', doesn't matter. All you need is alot of beer and your own world.

The over-rated day

I am not hiding anything. On a normal day, I am as lazy as a buffalo to drag my ass to the bathroom. I am a typical dirty boy. Brushing of the teeth is good enough hygiene for me unless I am going out. And I know I am a dirty boy. But on a festive day, to wake up and oil myself followed by applying something that looks like mud, is abit too much. My mum does something strange every deepavali. This year, she took it a step higher. I was told to walk into the bathroom and apply the oil that was in the bathroom. When I actually got to the bathroom, I was greeted by a bottle placed at the door. It read "Ithayam Nallanei." What the fuck? That's like the same oil my mum uses to make 'thosai'! Must be that god damn sun tv's influence. So when in doubt, skip the oil and mud application part.

This year's deepavali was spent visiting relatives and friends. The visiting of a relative is made fun only when you badly wanna collect some 'ang pao' and tear the shit outta it to see a red note there waiting to welcome a new pack of cigarettes into your pocket. But all that money doesn't come in easy. Hell no. There's definitely some heartache to come with it. It's weird when your relatives invite you home and they tell you things like "make yourself feel at home" only to start asking questions that leave you crossed and wishing you were actually at home. This deepavali, I was advised and asked questions. Advices that were redundant and questions that I couldn't and wouldn't wanna answer.

So heed my advice, the next time you ever visit a relative, never stay more than 10 minutes in one house. Follow the 4 C's that I so strictly follow every deepavali. Come, consume, collect and ciao. Adios.

Labels: Deepavali